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Grief has been looking over my shoulder for a long time now. At age 19 I suffered the loss of two people whom I loved dearly within seven months of each other. Lines from a diary I kept at the time describe how ‘I am full of emotions that I do not understand’; ‘my moods are very variable, one worse than the next’; ‘I sometimes wish I could die’; ‘I feel so lonely’; ‘I seem to be able to handle things for a while but after a certain amount of time I feel like exploding’. I felt as though I was being selfish having these strong emotions months after the bereavements. Writing gave me an outlet to express myself (as in the poem above) without having to burden others. I did not know it then but all those feelings were normal. Grief is a very individual experience and does not travel on any one particular course. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

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The reason I have decided to write this now and not last year or next year, is because I feel strong emotionally and mentally now – and I credit this to being sober. // Post natal depression followed along with trying 4 to 5 different types of antidepressants to see which “worked” best, I decided in the fog of being a new-antidepressant-taking-mom with racing hormones, that it might be an even better idea if I drink alcohol to self-medicate.

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Stephen asked me a couple of years ago would I be interested in doing a blog for his webpage to which I quickly replied “Jeez I can’t expose myself like that”…and then for a long time after I thought to myself, well why can’t I expose myself? For fear of being judged I shamefully admit. What has changed? I have no idea but today, I feel compelled to write. To try portray mental health in such a way that perhaps my story might resonate some familiarity or understanding in someone else. That I might have the power to help someone, even just one person. I have touched off mental health topics very lightly over the years but only through my own social media pages, Instagram mainly. I might stumble upon an inspiring quote or a funny statement which I can relate to on such a level that I almost feel it is my duty to share it with others, to reach out to others. Yet it has always been a difficult part of my life to look back on - to speak of something that at the time was just so awful, so bleak, a time in my life where I felt nothing would ever change for me.

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If you’re an open-minded creative that thrives on ideas with a lust for things of beauty but have an insatiable thirst for perfection and innovation, but your mental state flutters and wobbles like a plastic bag caught in a tree, then there might be a hint of useful here for you.

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Did you know people suffering from a mental illness are more likely to post on social media? According to a US Study that The Guardian shared, posting large numbers of pictures on social media could be a sign of depression. The study also finds these posts are more likely to contain the users face and contain the colour blue. This isn't a blog slating amigos with egos that are fishing for likes on social media. This is a blog to make some people aware that the rose-tinted filters they apply to other peoples...

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This is a story about the first man in space. Inspired by the intro to Odesza’s album ‘A Moment Apart’ which they super smoothly swiped some dialogue from the movie ‘Another Earth’. This lully little story is quite open to interpretation and I wouldn’t like to impose my own ideologies onto anybody but at the very least I hope you enjoy the story/unbelievable kick the absolute codswallop out of a bag of chips remix 2006 music.

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