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This blog was written in 2018 and aimed indirectly at two of my mates in particular who were struggling with severe depression but kept beating themselves up for ‘relapsing’ back in to depression. There may be something in here for you, there may not. Thankfully in the last two years these two people I hold so dearly are championing at life so much right now, like so inspirational and while they will no doubt have little wobbles ó áim go táim, they're definitely not giving themselves the credit they deserve (strong trait of depressives unfortunately) but I am so fucking proud of them and their resilience. I'm not crying you're crying..This about my history with my wibbly wobbly wonders. It’s written for, and aimed at a few of my mates who are beating themselves up for ‘relapsing’ back in to depression. There may be something in here for you, there may not; if you’re actually looking for a creamy-thing that’s quite icy with a pleasant amount of pineapple jelly decadently covered in chocolate, there’s a little man in van driving around estates selling screwballs and 8 balls, so maybe ask him.

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This about my history with my wibbly wobbly wonders. It’s written for, and aimed at a few of my mates who are beating themselves up for ‘relapsing’ back in to depression. There may be something in here for you, there may not; if you’re actually looking for a creamy-thing that’s quite icy with a pleasant amount of pineapple jelly decadently covered in chocolate, there’s a little man in van driving around estates selling screwballs and 8 balls, so maybe ask him.

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Grief has been looking over my shoulder for a long time now. At age 19 I suffered the loss of two people whom I loved dearly within seven months of each other. Lines from a diary I kept at the time describe how ‘I am full of emotions that I do not understand’; ‘my moods are very variable, one worse than the next’; ‘I sometimes wish I could die’; ‘I feel so lonely’; ‘I seem to be able to handle things for a while but after a certain amount of time I feel like exploding’. I felt as though I was being selfish having these strong emotions months after the bereavements. Writing gave me an outlet to express myself (as in the poem above) without having to burden others. I did not know it then but all those feelings were normal. Grief is a very individual experience and does not travel on any one particular course. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

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The reason I have decided to write this now and not last year or next year, is because I feel strong emotionally and mentally now – and I credit this to being sober. // Post natal depression followed along with trying 4 to 5 different types of antidepressants to see which “worked” best, I decided in the fog of being a new-antidepressant-taking-mom with racing hormones, that it might be an even better idea if I drink alcohol to self-medicate.

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