For those that are suicidal
This is written from my own personal experiences of feeling suicidal some many gloomy moons ago. I’m not a merchant of facts or science, I don’t know how bridges or planes work but I’ve been on both. Theses be just some uneducated scribbles of a slightly unhinged manchild to be taken lightly wishabish of salt. Merely scrambled thoughts in a mind not so mindful, but I really hope these thoughts for those that think too much resonate with you, a thinker.
In the last few years I went from not caring about dying and having no reason to live to presently not caring about dying but having many reasons to live.
Very luckily and proudly wearing a handmade quilt of good reasons to live; knitted by myself with the helping hands of fronds, famalam and professionals. Something I was missing before.
I understand friends, family or psychologists would be concerned hearing that I am quite comforted with the idea of death, so I usually keep that to myself; but I am now also extremely more comfortable with living, and I’ve found that being comfortable with both life and death to feel very liberating; in fact I feel really lucky I have had suicidal experiences - (previously not feely so lucky) and super blessed to have got the help I needed.
❁ ꕥ ❁ ❀ ✿ ✾ ✼ I feel like it’s a superpower now, I think the entire point of these scribbles is to tell you if you get through this dark, dark concentration camp of mental nazi gymnastics you’ll have a little superpower that those other muggles won’t. ❁ ꕥ ❁ ❀ ✿ ✾ ✼
ALSO nothing has yet to prove you are not immortal; like nothing has proved you can’t not be killed. Bit of an assumption but on that basis you’re probably invincible, unkillable, a bona-fide-bad-ass-still-alive mudda fucka. So two superpowers, not bad for one of no self-worth.
＼( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
/ / ＼＼on that
ﾚ ノ ヽ_つ
| 丿 ＼ ⌒)
| | ) /
ノ ) Lﾉ
What with wagwan in the whirled in the last year we’ve all been become more acutely aware of those that are living their lives afraid to die. Big up most of us that don’t want to murder a granny with a covvy cough. Anyway, a big ignorant assumption of mine is that none of this mass fear of death bothers you, as you, mi lil sewer side L amigo bueno, are in a unique and opportunistic scenario where you are free to not give a flying fuck about living! (don't kill any grannies though)
Nada in the pina colada of reasons to live / / :( / / while this severe depression may feel fucking miserable, now that you are not ascared of death the world is your lobster.
You are at a time which you might actually never get back (¡¡!!) and that is your life is currently a black canvas, a big empty billboard looking for a slogan, a pair of tig old biddies looking for a motorboat, - currently devoid of a reason but now you get to make your own reasons. Reasons for you, owing nobody anything.
You can use this time to take big risks, you are at a moment where all is demolished and you can build again; learn the saxophone, base-jump, volunteer at the dog shelter, start an online business, teach Italian kids Mandarin Chinese, spend the rest of our days trying to clean automatic doors; whatever the fuck you want man; just don’t become a tan.
NMOpʞ∀Ǝɹq ▁▂▃▅▆▇▆▅▃▂▁ REBUILD
Now your current predicament is definitely very painful on the auld wibbly wobbly wonder, I won't deny you that or dance around the fact. I really, really hope this message isn't coming across as "just go out and be yourself man, lift some weights, be the most successful you". I know this is the most painful thing you or I will ever have to endure; far worse than any physical pain, trudging through the mixed and muddy waters of thought.
I also assume you're not afraid of death but I can guarantee you don’t truly want to die, and if somebody offered you magic beans of either cyanide or a life of happiness, we all know what every human bean would pick. You can’t really try that permanent bean unless you’ve tried every other possible lil bean; like EVERY bean - the new beans of new therapists, new therapies, new medications, new hobbies, new locations, new shelters, new philosophies, new dogs, more cake, and new reasons.
So taking these lil magic beans of life can be sometimes tough to swallow, some beans you wont like, and painting the portrait of purpose is going to be tedious as you're no masso picasso but you literally have nothing to lose. When you have escaped hell and are full of those magic beans of life you’ll be thankful for a cup of tea, a dog, a sunset and even becoming grateful for waking up, go raibh míle Sheila.
The reason you are in this predicament is you think and feel a lil too much - a creative brain looking to create a better situation. A yearn to learn, a junkie that craves progress, a problem or trauma is just currently devoid of a creative solution at this present moment and your current stagnant situation is hurting beyond end.
Some suffering or trauma is part of life, sometimes unfair but always inevitable. One thing you have control over is your expectations of yourself. Perhaps and often our skewed views of success and failure can be the reason we feel we have let ourselves down, but these milestones or achievements can be altered just by thinking differently, most literally a few words can change your mind.
You can change your mind on anything. There's headbangers out there that forced themselves to like olives and there's masochists out there enjoying Mint Shower Gel on their dangly bits.
Thoughts are inner-dialogue, words from your dickhead of a brain. These filthy sewer side emotions stem only from those lil smoke signals in your brain, nothing else is accountable; so what you think is why you currently feel how you feel. Nothing but your own brain telling your own brain it’s an arsehole, what an arsehole. Luckily, a thought or feeling is never permanent, like little smoke signals these can and will vamoose with a poooof.
So whatever you decide to do or pursue IRN BRU we have to be thankful for you, to one of those that think too much and that is not afraid of taking risks. We need you.
If it were up to those conscentious or conservative dildos we’d be still in caves; chatting about the hairy arses of mammoths and how that cloud might resemble a whole load of fuck all because there is fuck all. Those that don’t feel a need for progressing or bettering situations, AKA the content, AKA the psychologically stable…
So I’m saying thanks to your future self for caring too much.
Two lil smidgins of advice: Chase nothing other than purpose or meaning. Give yourself reasons to be here. If you ever chase happiness, money or gee you never get it; just keep chasing meaning and then the others may or may not fall into your lámha.
A little cheat code for life that sounds naff af but there is no better feeling than helping someone else or making them smile. Be it a hug, a word or a gesture, to improve someone else’s existence improves yours too. Everyone's a winner.
ゝ、 ＼ ／⌒ヽ,ノ /´
ゝ、 `（ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ／ tracker mortgages
UDDER HELP 𓁙
BIG NB if it is an emergency, ring the care-doc and they must provide you with a psychological assessment. If it is the truth, you must tell them you are a danger to yourself or others and then they will provide you with the help you need. They are now accountable for you.
If you have time to fuck with, see your doctor, tell them you’re suicidal and they should get you admitted to a hollibop (psych ward) away from the stresses and with the people who feel like you. The most important thing you will ever do. If you feel yourself slipping to this point, contact your doctor and they can supply you with medication to help prevent further chaos, alternatively they can put you in touch with good counsellors. (Doctor's profession with highest rate of depression so they know your jazz man, even if you think they don’t)
If your doctor's shite get a new one.
Don’t lie to a doctor or counsellor, you’re only codding yourself and people around you.
You can ring Pieta House 1800 247 247 or Talk to Tom 0818 30 30 61, I can vouch for them - they have everything you need.
You're not an alien, you do belong here. Stop saying nothing and tell somebody or tell everybody. You just haven't told enough people about your current predicament to find someone like you. Tell professionals, tell friends, tell strangers, don't ever be ashamed. If you're ever ashamed that's an insult to me to be honest and I'll come find ya and batter ya ❤️