Bully
January 2, 2017
I cant really remember the day I first found myself in a position where I felt like this big world would be better off without me but when it came, it took up a permanent place in my mind. When I was 17/18 it (depression) got to its worst and no matter where I was or what I was doing, it would just consume my every thought and even at the happiest times, even when I was having a laugh or looking like I couldn't possibly have a care in the world, I would be biting my lip to hold back the tears and stop myself from having a mini-meltdown in front of my friends. This sometimes, while out drinking led, me to be sitting in the darkest part of a lane or a corner, just trying to compose myself and not let anybody see that I was actually a fragile mess. To make this all worse, because I never spoke of what I was going through, I didn't realise that this was depression and not just me being soft of as I called myself a 'Bitch', this was the reason that I was afraid to say anything. For that stupid reason I got so bad that my life nearly ended.
After a very bad night where if it wasn't for a friend who happened to notice something wrong with me and act on that notion, I wouldn't be here writing this today. I realised I needed to talk to someone and finally admit the way I was feeling. Although I was prescribed tablets, it wasn't them that really made the difference. It was the day I finally opened up and talked about my problems, that lifted a massive weight off my shoulders and soon family and friends came to me and told me that they where also going through it and as they described their way, it made them feel the clouds in my mind started to part as It started to become clear. I wasn’t just being a 'Bitch' as I kept telling myself I was actually suffering from this horrible thing called Depression, that coupled with Anxiety was a very toxic mixture that had been taking its toll on my body for quite some time. By this stage I had mental scars and wounds that where starting to heal in time. For a few years I would be good with only occasionally having a day where I would have tears coming down my face and the feeling like it would be better if i was gone, but when ever I thought that again I would realise that Taking my life would take away the couple of problems I had, but would also take away all the great days that would be to come. No matter what happens, things can only get better and now days i look back at them problems and laugh at how small they are, compared to the earth shattering things them seemed like at the beginning.
A little over a year ago now, when everything seemed to be going great, I suddenly took a downward spiral and even with great people around me willing and trying to help me I started to feel down and would come home from work deflated and sometime just cry my eyes out. Nothing had to happen for me to cry, it was something that later on I realised that I was just generally unhappy especially with my work circumstances, and that needed to change. I had done what most Irish people do and built a wall of reasons why i couldn't leave my job (because i was getting 40 hours and would never get that again if i left). I let this build up until one day I found myself sitting outside the gates of Newcastle hospital knowing I needed help but then again, afraid of seeking it. So I drove home and considered using my G.P. who was only happy to help. After an emotional time talking to him I was now on the road to recovery, and back seeing doctors that where there to help me. Even though I would always play-down my issues because I thought I was only wasting there time they assured me that they where there to help and at the end of the day I was there with them for a reasons.
"Only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."
- Richard Nixon
A year has passed now and even though I still have a few things I'm still working on, I realise that there is a brighter tomorrow. It may be a few days away but it comes and when it comes it makes it worth all the pain you have suffered as you come out a stronger person, although I will admit that I still get down I am a much stronger person than I was a few years ago because I understand depression a lot more and realise that my toughs aren't always right, and that sometimes I just need to talk to someone about my problems and find out that its normal and it will get better.
So please, if you have read this please talk to someone when you have something eating you up inside. It is never a big enough problem to feel like you are worthless, a problem shared is a problem halved but if you ask me a problem talked about will save a life. Lets talk about Mental health like we talk about the weather and if not for our generation, for the next, let them know its ok not too feel ok and that talking about your problems should be the normal thing to do.